


we get what we deserve [way down we go]

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Multi, TW: Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:30:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14679876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: you know the standard operating procedures backup your decision, but alex was still hurt, still may be dying - and there are no guidelines to make you feel better about that.[or: lucy is faced with an impossible choice and has to deal with the repercussions]





	we get what we deserve [way down we go]

_”take the shot.”_

that’s alex’s voice in your ear. you hear the urgency, the panic. 

_”director,”_ that’s agent bird’s voice _”he’s dialing. this is the only chance we’re gonna have.”_

you know the sniper is right. 

_”tell him to take the shot, luce.”_ alex’s composure is slipping, you can hear it. you can almost see it on the grainy cctv footage winn pulled up of the warehouse _”do it.”_ alex is saying, and her voice is more urgent now _”you have to tell him to do it.”_

you know she’s right. 

you know hundreds of lives are hanging in the balance. 

_”it’s okay luce.”_ that’s alex’s voice, soft and understanding - despite it all _”you have to do this.”_

“i’m sorry.” 

those are your own words. 

your last words to alex. 

“take the shot.” 

barely have the words left your lips when there’s an echoing crack and on the screens spread in front of you, 

the perp falls. 

alex falls. 

a door behind you flies open “lucy, what the hell did you do?” 

that’s kara’s voice. 

// 

in your report you will write the following: 

_12:37 - suspect - logan norton - location pinpointed to warehouse district of national city on the corner of valencia and ashland. suspected bombs already in national city downtown locations. mission objects are: retrieve suspect and ascertain location of the bombs._

_12:43 - deo recon teams alpha, bravo and charlie deployed from deo city base with team leaders: agent danvers, agent douglas and agent bird respectively. expect eta on scene: 13:02._

_12:49 - desert team one deployed to provide tactical back up if required_

_12:50 - co-director lucy lane established as commander of operation. agent vasquez on tactics and communication. agent schott on technical requirements. medical team deployed to location on standby._

_12:58 - deo recon teams arrive on scene. no obvious sign of the suspect. alpha team to breach through front door. bravo to move through ashland street side entrance and charlie team to man perimeter and work containment of the suspect._

_13:00 - alpha and bravo teams breach their doors through the use of force._

_13:04 - suspect spotted on the ground floor of the warehouse by bravo team - agent nalls and agent forte - ordered to surrender weapon and put his hands in the air. suspect declined to do so, fled the room._

_13:04 - alpha team - agent murray - discerns locations for three explosive devices using blueprints found in warehouse. ncpd bomb squad notified and locations handed over._

_13:05 - suspect jumps through wall, forcing collision with alpha team leader agent danvers. struggle ensues. struggled ends with suspect using agent danvers as a human shield. obvious injuries to agent danvers due to struggle and collision._

_13:06 - suspect reveals flip phone with speed dial to trigger bombs. has no interest in negotiating. has knife to agent danvers throat._

_13:06 - situation classified as time critical - time critical standard operating procedures now in play._

_13:06 - suspect opens phone. bravo team - agent nalls does not have the shot. no agents able to ascertain a clean shot of the suspect. only line of sight available includes agent danvers. time critical standard operating procedure section three, sub-part c allows the shot to be taken at the commander of operation’s discretion._

_13:07 - commander of operation director lucy lane gives the green light for the shot to be taken. shot fired. phone disabled. no communication from the phone permitted. bomb dismantling to be done by NCPD bomb squad._

_13:07 - alpha team leader - agent danvers listed as in critical condition._

and then you will stop typing. you will stop typing because your hands are shaking too much to continue. there are tears in your eyes and you feel like you’re going to be sick. 

you look back at the words _agent danvers listed as in critical condition_ and erase them. not because they aren’t true - they are, but you can’t face what you did. what you allowed to happen to alex. what you did to alex. 

// 

it’s been one hour since alex was brought into the deo bloody and unconscious. that had been bad enough, but worse was kara standing there, vasquez present to restrain her, again, if needed. although even in her depowered state it had still taken three agents to keep kara from getting to you. if kara had decided there and then to go for you, there’s not much vas, or anyone else could have done about it. 

you’re not sure you would have stopped her either. 

at the present alex is on the operating table, being looked after by the best doctors the deo has. you know kara is standing in the viewing room, watching every move, refusing to leave alex’s side. refusing to let you near her, even to explain the situation. 

not that anything you could say right now would change the fact that alex may die. 

the door to your office opens without a knock and you half expect maggie to come in, or vas, or even kara, but instead in comes j’onn. his face is grim and you can see the concern knitting his eyebrows “j’onn,” you start, but he holds up a hand. 

“you made the right call.” he says “you know that. i know that. and alex knew that when she told you to authorize the shot.” he lets out a sigh “but that does not make this waiting game any easier.” 

“no.” you agree quietly “it doesn’t. and,” you add “kara, she wants my blood.” 

“kara wants her sister alive.” j’onn corrects, “and she is suffering from being as helpless as the rest of us. she feels like she should have been able to be there, to protect alex.” 

“did she tell you that?” you ask, looking at him. 

“she didn’t have too.” j’onn says “i don’t have to read kara’s mind to know she feels as guilty as you do for letting alex get hurt.” 

“i didn’t just let alex get hurt, j’onn, i facilitated it.” 

“you saved hundreds of lives.” j’onn says “do you know where the bombs were located?” 

you shake your head, the addresses had been read to you, but your attention had been elsewhere, trusting that vasquez would do with them what needed to be done. 

“national city children’s museum.” j’onn says “and the catco media building sub-basement. had either one of those bombs gone off, who knows how many lives would have been lost.” 

he’s right. 

you know he’s right. 

you know the standard operating procedures backup your decision, but alex was still hurt, still may be dying - and there are no guidelines to make you feel better about that. 

“thank you, j’onn.” you say, “i just, i won’t forgive myself if she,” you swallow hard, a lump rising in your throat “i won’t be able to forgive myself.” 

“we’re not at that point yet.” j’onn reminds you easily “and i do believe detective sawyer has just arrived.” 

you don’t wonder how he knows. you’re sure maggie’s distress is palpable to the telepath. 

it sure is when she finds your office, when she knocks on the door to your office and steps inside: she’s pale, her eyes are wide with fear and she’s looking at you, gauging you. 

“lucy,” she says gently, closing the door behind her “lucy, what happened?” 

you shake your head, you’re not sure you have the words to explain. not to maggie. not to someone you love. 

maggie approaches you slowly, “talk to me lucy,” she says, her voice wavering “please?” she’s kneeling next to you, looking up at you. 

“alex,” you start, stop “she was injured.” 

maggie nods “vas told me that, told me she’s in surgery.” 

“it’s my fault.” you say, which is the truth, feels like the truth. 

maggie’s hand is on your knee “lucy,” she says “lucy it’s not your fault.” 

“it is.” you insist “it is.” you take a steadying breath and look away from maggie “the suspect had a cell phone trigger to the bombs.” you say, voice flat “he was using alex as a shield, we didn’t have a clean shot of him or the phone. all we had was a shot,” your voice shakes but “a shot of the phone. but alex’s leg was in the way. it’s all we had. he was dialing we -” you can’t say any more. 

“the shot had to be taken.” maggie says quietly. 

you nod. 

you expect maggie to pull away, to display anger, to blame you for alex’s current condition. 

she does not. 

instead she takes a deep breath, she presses a kiss to your temple “it’s not your fault.” she repeats “okay?” 

you do not believe her. 

you do not believe her in the slightest. 

you gave the order for the shot to be taken. you did that. not agent nalls. not alex. not anyone but you. 

“i need her to make it through this.” you whisper, tears brimming in your eyes. 

“i know luce,” maggie says, “so do i.” 

// 

“maggie,” kara says, coming into your office “she’s out of surgery.” 

kara will not look at you.

she will not so much as acknowledge that you’re there. 

“she’s not out of the woods.” kara continues “some,” she pauses, trying to center herself and find her words “she had a lot of blood loss and the bone chipped her femur. plus the cut on her neck was deep, they say the next twenty-four hours are the most important” she exhales shakely. 

“kara,” maggie says gently “this wasn’t lucy’s fault.” 

kara stiffens. 

you hold your breath. 

“kara,” maggie continues, her words soft “i need you to look at me and understand that.” 

kara does not move. 

“the job’s we do, that we all do - sometimes we have to make tough choices.” maggie says “impossible choices. what lucy did today, that was one of those calls.” 

kara’s gaze flickers to maggie, then to you. 

“he had bombs planted in a children’s museum and at catco media.” you say, voice worn “he was dialing a cell phone trigger to detonate them. we had to take the shot.” 

“through alex.” 

you nod “through alex. she knew,” you say “she knew that was the shot to take. told me to green light it.” 

“of course she did.” kara says. 

you still can’t breathe properly, aren’t sure if kara is still fixating blame on you. 

“you shot her.” kara says “she may die because of this.” 

“kara,” maggie says, but kara is turning, kara is leaving the room “kara wait.” 

kara does not wait, and you’re still not breathing. 

“she’s wrong lucy.” maggie says.

you’re not so sure she is. 

“i’m going to go talk to her.” maggie says, “okay?” 

you nod, you wait until maggie is gone to let the tears start falling. 

//   
“come on,” maggie says softly, her hand touching your elbow lightly “it’ll be good for you to see her luce.” 

you had been asleep on your couch, using maggie’s leather jacket as a pillow. you’re not sure what time it is, or how much time has passed. you are sure that maggie hasn’t slept. you’re sure she’s spent her night moving between you and kara, doing her best to make sure the both of you are coping. 

you wonder who’s making sure she’s okay. 

you reach out and cup her cheek, looking up at her worried brown eyes “i’ll go,” you agree quietly, “but first,” you sit up, you pull maggie into a hug. 

it’s a little awkward, you sitting on the couch, maggie half knelt next to you, but you don’t care. you can’t care. not in the slightest. 

maggie melts into your arms and you grip her tighter. you shift on the couch so maggie can come and sit next to you, so she can get as close as she needs. 

you feel her exhale. 

you can imagine the control she’s been exerting on her own emotions - her fear, her pain, her worry - and you can feel her letting go. hot tears are soaking your shirt. you smooth a hand through maggie’s hair, coaxing her to let it go, let it out, let herself feel. 

someone has to look after her, you know this, because in times like this maggie looks after everyone else. she makes sure everyone else is coping as best as possible but she lets own emotions be suppressed and boxed away. you don’t want her to have to do that now. 

you want to let her feel. 

“we’ll go see her.” you whisper “we’ll go see her together.” you say, because you may not be able to go alone, but alex needs you there, needs you both there, by her side. 

it takes another few minutes for maggie to extricate herself from your arms, to find your hand and hold it tight. she looks exhausted and it’s all you can do to pull her in for a gentle kiss, a small comfort. 

even kara seems to have calmed, for she’s awake when you arrive in the medical bay. she’s curled in a chair, not quite staring at alex, but not seemingly in the room. it takes a few seconds for her to register your arrival and when she does, when her gaze flickers from you, to maggie and back again, she simply nods. 

you nod and consider it progress. 

for that’s what it is, the simple exchange of 

_‘you need to be here too.’_

it’s progress. 

[you understand why kara is upset with you. you do not fault her blame.] 

looking at alex takes all the courage you have. she’s breathing on her own, a steady rise and fall of her chest. there’s a white bandage around her neck, one of her arms is in a cast and a sling and her leg - the blankets are rolled back over her injured leg and all you can see right now is a mass of bandages and skin stained yellow from iodine. 

she is alive. 

she is alive. she is alive. she is _alive_. 

you let maggie take the chair, preferring to stand next to her, a hand scratching lightly at the base of maggie’s neck, maggie’s head resting against your side. 

minutes pass. 

alex breathes. you all wait, you watch, you hope. 

“have you eaten anything?” you ask kara quietly, some time later. 

kara looks up at you, unable to hide her surprise “i-no.” she admits. 

“i’ve got some food in my office.” you say “we can-” 

“yes.” kara says at once. 

you kiss the top of maggie’s head “we’ll be back.” 

she nods, but her gaze is fixed on alex. 

“i love you.” you murmur, to maggie, to alex, to the both of them. 

in the hallway once again, you are walking next to kara. you are aware of how hard this is for her, how much she blames you, but - 

“i don’t know how you do it.” kara says, breaking the silence before you can. 

you almost don’t ask 

“do what?” 

kara looks over at you “stay here, in the deo, run the operations. it’s, i couldn’t do it.” 

you deliberate your answer before you speak “it’s hard.” you acknowledge “days like today, there’s nothing more than i want than to be out in the field, to be with your sister. but,” you press the button for the elevator “but someone has to stay back. someone has to run the operation. my job, my job is to look at the big picture.” 

“the big picture.” kara echoes as the elevator doors slide open “like what happens if bombs go off.” 

you both step inside and you wait for the doors to slide shut “yes.” you says quietly, watching kara press the button for the eighth floor “exactly like that.” 

“weighing the options.” kara says “the risk of one person dying versus the certainty that hundreds would, if the bombs had detonated.” 

“yes.” 

the elevator moves slowly. 

“how do you do it,” kara asks “weigh all those things up, when the person who might die is someone you love?” 

the floors tick past and your response comes easier than you would have thought “i think about what alex wanted me to do. she would never forgive herself if she lived, but hundreds of children died. if hundreds of people died. it’s” you swallows hard “it’s the hardest call i’ve ever had to make. i don’t ever want to have to make that choice again,” you look over at her “but if i had to, i’d make the same call.” 

kara looks away and seems to be pondering as the elevators doors open. the floor is empty, the lights cast familiar shadows and you move easily through the hallway. it takes several seconds before kara speaks 

“i couldn’t do your job.” she says. 

you can’t help but smile “that’s why you’re supergirl.” you tell her “so you don’t have to.” 

kara nods, following you into your office and then “i’m sorry.” she apologises “for what i said. how i acted.” 

“you were scared.” you say “fear makes us do and say things we wouldn’t otherwise.” 

“i blamed you.” 

“i blame me.” you say, pulling open a cabinet and stepping aside to let kara have her pick of the food you’ve got stored away “when she’s in the field, alex is my agent. she is my responsibility. if she gets hurt, i’m responsible and today, today more than ever. she was shot because of a call only i could make. what happened to alex is my fault.” 

“but so is the fact that hundreds of people are alive. that’s because of you.” 

“yeah,” you say, watching kara take an entire box of twinkies “and no.” you say “it’s because of the agents that went out there, that found the blueprints.” 

kara looks over at you “if the bad stuff is your fault, you have to take some of the credit for the good.” she tells you. 

“i’m trying to learn how to do that.” you tell her, closing the cabinet again “but it’s not easy.” 

“no,” kara agrees “it’s not.” 

you walk back to alex in amicable silence, kara eating twinkies, you feeling somewhat relieved that kara seems to have forgiven you. maggie, barely awake when you get back, looks over and smiles when she sees you both return “good?” she murmurs. 

“yes.” kara replies softly. 

“good.” maggie nods, mumbles, reaching for you, pulling you close. 

a steady silence settles into the room as the three of you prepare to wait. 

and wait. 

and wait. 

for as long as it takes. 

// 

it takes until mid-morning for alex to wake up fully, for her to be aware of time and place and pain. her eyes seek you out, but she slowly, slowly, pulls kara into her arms first. 

“i’m okay.” alex murmurs to her sister “i’m going to be okay.” 

you’re crying, maggie’s eyes are watering and that’s before alex even turns to you, looks directly at you and - 

[this is the moment you’ve been dreading. the moment where alex wakes and she’s angry. where she blames you for all of this. where she hates you. the night was spent with your mind running rampant, exploring every possibility] 

\- “i love you.” is the first thing alex says to you. 

you’re crying harder. 

you’re leaning down to kiss her forehead and you’re apologising profusely because all you can do is apologise, is exorcise your guilt because _god_ alex is alive. 

she’s alive. she’s pulling you down for a soft kiss and reaching for maggie with her other hand. she’s holding the both of you close and saying, voice a little hoarse “not a good day at the office.” 

you all laugh, all four of you, because only alex would make that joke after nearly dying. 

but she’s alive, and kara is smiling and maggie’s arm is around your back and, 

and for the first time in nineteen hours, you can breathe, you can believe that everything is going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> so this was a fun one to write, i wanted to challenge myself in the sense of writing a story where one of director sanvers shot the other. now, i realise this is kind of a cop out, but this was the best way i could figure to make it all work. 
> 
> if you enjoyed the piece feel free to leave a kudo, a comment, or come yell at me on tumblr at: [4beit](https://4beit.tumblr.com).


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